Become indifferent!
When the strategies we use—overthinking and thought suppression—don’t solve the problems, but only perpetuate them, then maybe it’s better to try new strategies. To do that, you need to change your attitude.
The best attitude towards overthinking is a fairly indifferent one. If one should come to think that overthinking is neither wise nor dangerous, then one has little reason to choose to overthink one’s thoughts or suppress them. Why should you? Of course, you may think it’s a bit silly to have negative thoughts. Anyone who has overthought a lot and for a long time must expect that there will be quite a few negative thoughts for a while. But if one does not experience these thoughts as dangerous and does not fear that they are here to stay, then it is something to live with.
Do we have reason to be indifferent to overthinking, when it can cause so much pain and trouble? To answer that, we need to distinguish between overthinking for many hours every day and having a few negative thoughts. Overthinking a lot every day is problematic. But having some negative thoughts, which quickly disappear, is not dangerous. And that is exactly what thoughts do, whether they are positive or negative. They disappear by themselves without us having to do anything. They can stay for a long time, but only if we grab hold of them to look at them more closely, or if we try to suppress them. And we don’t have to do that if we remember that it is neither wise nor dangerous to think about them.
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The art of doing nothing
How to do nothing with thoughts as we suggested at the top of the post? It’s not about stopping, freezing your thoughts and becoming passive. It is not going to work like that. Nor is it about emptying the mind or thinking about nothing. What I mean is that we should not do anything to get rid of the thoughts. They should be allowed to stay there if they want, without us forcing them to stay or leave. After a while, they drift away on their own, even thoughts of the negative kind. Just try this method and you will confirm it.
Everyone has this ability. That’s what we do with most times. Even those who overthink almost all the time have the ability to do nothing with thoughts. A person who constantly overthinks how things would have been if the partner had not gone his way, may think that it is completely impossible not to overthink once he has thought about it. At the same time, the person has no problem not thinking about why they have been rejected for two job applications in a row. For another person, it may be the opposite. Both have the ability to do nothing with the thoughts. It happens automatically when they do not interpret the thought as important or dangerous.
Fake it till you make it
It is difficult to do nothing with a thought when the thought comes together with a strong negative feeling and you have the habit of thinking through or suppressing thoughts of that kind. Then you need to be more conscious and determined when dealing with thoughts. One must recognize the overthinking. When the mood changes for the worse, you need to take a step back and ask: What am I doing now? If it is overthinking, then one observes the thoughts from a distance and accepts that they are there, without giving in to them.
What should be done instead? What one would have done if thoughts had not come and disturbed. You simply behave as if they are not there, even if they are. Then they will eventually wander off on their own. Fake it till you make it! In metacognitive therapy, this setting is called disconnected attention. Allegories are often used to explain what it is:
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Let’s illustrate this with ignoring fussy kids
Disconnected attention is like being a bus driver on a night bus, may be travelling from lagos to the east, focusing on driving the bus to its destination, even if the passengers in the back of the bus are behaving obnoxiously and disruptively. He doesn’t bother yelling at them or trying to talk them into behaving because that only makes it worse and takes their attention away from the road and the traffic. Of course he is disturbed by shouts and loud shouts. But when he instead constantly shifts his focus back towards the traffic, driving becomes safer and his mind is filled with more pleasant things than what is going on at the back of the bus.
Another comparison is ignoring a fussy child. The three-year-old has been kindly explained that it is not Saturday and why he cannot have ice cream as it’s the family’s rule. Still, it hustles. Then you can kindly say that we are done with this topic and that from now on I will not answer when you ask about Saturday ice cream. One cannot take for granted that the three-year-old will not stop fussing immediately, at least not if he has learned the habit of fussing. On the contrary, it may increase the intensity of the fussing.
Then it is important not to give in. One ignores the fuss. That doesn’t mean you don’t notice it, or that it doesn’t affect you. It is impossible not to be influenced by angry children crying or someone clinging to your foot. But you continue as if it doesn’t matter. You shift your attention back to the housework or the book you were working on and accept that right now, I am a bit inhibited in that. When you ignore the child, she will get tired and stop fussing on his or her own.
Should I overthink it right now?
It can be difficult to let go of overthinking completely, because they appear important when they come together with strong negative emotions. It can be easier to leave them alone if you think like this: “Maybe I should look into these thoughts, but not now. I’ll take that in my overthinking moment”. The overthinking time is a time you have set aside for overthinking at a specific time. Typically, it is 15 minutes once a day, no later than 2 hours before bedtime. This is called deferred brooding or deferred worry.
When the overthinking time comes, you are allowed to overthink as much as you want for 15 minutes. For the rest of the day, you postpone overthinking until the next overthinking moment. If you do it this way, it will often turn out that the thoughts that seemed so important when they appeared, appear hesitant when the time for overthinking comes. One did not go into overthinking, but continued with pleasant or neutral activities. When the moment of overthinking comes, the mood is good and the heavy feeling that came with the thought is not brought to life to the same degree. If you don’t feel the need to overthink when the overthinking moment comes, it’s perfectly fine to drop it.
Getting help with overthinking
It can be difficult to stop overthinking, because it does not feel natural not to react to these thoughts. Time and time again the thoughts come back and time and time again you have to use your strength to shift your focus to where you want it to be. Many people think they can’t do it, when the overthinking comes back for the nth time in a short time, and then they give up.
But they are wrong. They were able to use disconnected attention until they became tired and discouraged and gave up. Thus they missed the gain, which only comes after a while: that the thoughts gradually come less often and with less weight. It’s like standing by a grindstone that’s been well turned. It is heavy and will spin for a while, even if the engine is turned off. But eventually it will stop on its own. Then it is unnecessary to start fiddling with the control panel to try to stop it. It will only be able to give the stone more speed.
Many people may need a little help to keep their tongue straight in their mouth when working through overthinking. It’s easy to mistake disconnected attention and distraction, for example. If you have a therapist, you can ask if they will also read this text and help you stay on track. Or you can seek help from a psychologist who masters metacognitive therapy. Good luck doing nothing with your troubled thoughts!
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