How to improve your self-confidence starts with believing in yourself and taking intentional steps to build a strong self-image. Confidence isn’t inherited; it’s developed through practice, positive thinking, and embracing challenges.
One may ask; Is self-confidence a trait, a skill, or character? Is it innate or acquired? How does it affect our lives? These are a variety of questions that come up each time we discuss self-confidence as a topic. We will dedicate this article to one of the most talked about topics in the field of personal development and psychology, which is – self-confidence.
What is self-confidence?
In this article, our focus is on “how to improve your self-confidence”. But before we proceed, let us first of all define self-confidence.
Self-confidence is a concept that refers to belief in myself – in my abilities, my skills, my judgment, and my performance in a specific area of life.
It is a feeling of self-esteem that is independent of my mistakes, shortcomings, and imperfections, and is independent of the opinions of other people.
Self-confidence is expressed in several aspects:
In my behavior – do I try new things? Am I willing to take on a challenge? Does other people’s criticism negatively affect my actions?
In my thoughts – am I overly critical of myself? Before my attempt, do I think I will fail, that I have no chance, that if I succeed then it’s just a fluke or because I worked hard for it?
In my knowledge, experience, and learning – Do I value the knowledge I have gained so far? Do I learn from mistakes and understand that they are part of the journey? Am I proud of my successes, and also know how to recognize my mistakes? Have I gained experience in the field? Do I continue and improve over time?
The combination of behavior, thought, knowledge, experience, and learning make up this concept called self-confidence.
It is important to note that, as can be read between the lines, self-confidence, contrary to popular belief, is not something that I have or I don’t have. Self-confidence is specific to a particular area.
I may have high self-confidence in sports, but low self-confidence in relationships.
I may have high self-confidence in singing and performing, but low self-confidence in tests.
I may have high self-confidence in intimate relationships, but low self-confidence in quickly meeting new people.
Read Also: The Power of Positive Thinking and How to Cultivate it
Low self-confidence – what causes it and how can it be treated?
Low self-confidence manifests itself in all the areas we mentioned earlier. It may manifest itself in one aspect or in several aspects.
Behavior – Avoiding challenges and not taking risks. Staying in the familiar and safe zone. My behavior is conditioned by the approval of other people and in accordance with their expectations of me.
Thoughts – If there is success then it is Fox “luck” and if there is failure it is because I am “bad”, or “incompetent”. Thoughts from the head say that there is a low chance of success in the action, and perhaps why try at all?
Knowledge, experience and learning – hitting the nail on the head. Ignoring or not addressing the sensitive points that prevent me from succeeding in the field I want to succeed in. It may also be expressed in a lot of theoretical reading and learning, but not applying it in practice.
What causes low self-confidence?
Low self-confidence may result from a wide variety of reasons:
1 – Lack of knowledge, experience, and learning in the field
Sometimes our expectations do not match the knowledge, experience, and learning we actually have. Would we expect a newborn baby to start running? Would we expect a beginning singer to pull crowd like experienced artists? Of course not. But mistakenly, we tend to expect this of ourselves. If we have low self-confidence in a certain area, it may be because we lack knowledge, experience, or learning. Here are some examples:
- Fear of job interviews resulting from lack of experience in the field or lack of experience in job interviews.
- High stress from a test, which results from not learning the material well enough.
- Difficulty finding a new partner, resulting from a lack of knowledge and experience about relationships and how to build intimate relationships.
- Fear of speaking in front of an audience, which stems from the fact that this is the first time you are going to do so.
These are just a few examples that demonstrate this reason.
2 – High self-criticism
If I criticize myself for every action I take, for every mistake I make? What are my chances of succeeding? People with high self-criticism, according to studies, suffer from higher stress (mental pressure), and are more likely to become depressed.
High self-criticism, which may stem from perfectionism, that is, doing everything perfectly, may lead us to fear action, see our past as full of mistakes and failures, and prevent ourselves from doing things in the future that might help us succeed.
Let’s take the example of Kayode, a computer science student who wants to get a job in the field. Kayode found himself unemployed for a long time even though his achievements in computer science were relatively good. When asked how many job interviews he went to, Kayode waved off and said that he was not ready yet. After all, if he wants to be accepted by a good company, what are the chances that they will accept him, if he has no experience, then why even try if he is not good enough yet.
Due to Kayode’s high self-criticism, and his desire from the beginning to be a perfect employee, Kayode actually deprives himself of the opportunity to start and acquire exactly what he claims he lacks – experience in the field.
3 – A difficult and even traumatic experience
Whether in childhood, during adolescence, or at any stage in our adult lives, we experienced an situation that we perceived as difficult and even traumatic, we may see the world today through the same experience we had in the past .
The experiences we had in the past, especially in the very early stages, created patterns of thinking and behavior in us for the rest of our lives:
- If in first grade I experienced failing a test, which was difficult for me, even at the age of 24 as a student, I may be afraid of tests.
- If I saw from my parents that a relationship is accompanied by shouting, fighting, disrespect, and mutual harm, I may have created an image in my head that this is what a relationship looks like, and I may consciously or unconsciously avoid finding one for myself.
- If I failed my driving test or had an accident, I may experience a lack of self-confidence every time I try to get behind the wheel.
- If the gym teacher yelled at me throughout the class and called me fat, I might hate sports and feel low self-confidence in sports.
4 – Unsuitable environment
The environment you find yourself matters a lot when it comes to improving your self-confidence. According to the theories of social psychology, sociology, and anthropology, the environment has a tremendous influence on us. And it is possible that, even if everything is fine inside, the “outside” – for example, the relationships that surround us – influence us to some extent. Relationships that are unfulfilling, demeaning, belittling, and hurtful may damage our self-confidence, no matter how strong we are.
It could be an intimate relationship with a partner that doesn’t do me any good – that makes me believe that a relationship isn’t for me.
It could be a boss at work who is always humiliating, uncomplimentary, and belittling – who could make me doubt my abilities.
It could be friends laughing and putting down my guitar skills – which might make me believe I’m not good enough at it. All these experiences can lead to low self-confidence.
Read also: Limiting beliefs: What they are and How to change them
How to improve your self-confidence
1 – Knowledge, experience and learning
So what do we do here? Simply; gradually accumulate knowledge, experience, and learning in the field. Instead of jumping headfirst into the water, the goal is to take small steps that will allow me to accumulate what I need to know and do.
- Knowledge – I can read books, take courses, and consult with experts in the field I am interested in. Not just that, but put what I have learnt to practice as that will help me to improve my self-confidence.
- Experience – understand that experience is something that is gained over time. Let’s start with small steps. For example, if there is a fear of crowds, instead of the first time being in front of 300 people, we will start by practicing at home in front of the mirror, we will continue in front of a good friend, we will speak in front of several family members, a team of 10 people and so on. Then we will discover that maybe it is not as scary as we thought. In psychology, this is called gradual exposure. This is a common and very reliable treatment method that helps to deal with a wide range of problems and challenges.
- Learning – Learning is a part of life and we will always want to learn more and more. Just because I learned something in the past, it doesn’t mean it’s sacred, and it doesn’t mean I’ve learned enough. We will look for new directions and opportunities for learning until we find what suits us.
2 – Developing a healthy relationship with ourselves
So what do we do here?
- Learn to view success as a path to achieving a worthy goal rather than a one-time event – the process is just as important as the journey. Instead of trying to get straight to the top, you need to break down the path into actionable, achievable steps.
- View mistakes as an opportunity to learn – instead of a mistake being equal to failure and disaster, we want to understand that through mistakes we learn a lot, and sometimes even more than from successes. Was I wrong? Admit it, think about what can be learned from it and try again in a slightly different way because that is one of the ways to improve your self-confidence.
- Develop self-compassion – learn to change the critical and negative thinking patterns we may have developed along the way. And learn to talk to ourselves, as we would talk to a good friend who is trying something new. Don’t be harsh on yourself when you make mistakes.
3 – Explore the past, plan for the future
What do we do here?
- Look to the future – understand that the patterns that have activated me in the past do not necessarily activate me in the future. And consciously gain knowledge, experience, and ability to change them.
- Examine the past – Sometimes it is important to take a moment to stop and process significant events from the past in our lives. By examining past events, we can release the beliefs and patterns that were formed in us somewhere in our lives… and create new patterns in the present that do us good.
4 – Creating a supportive and empowering environment
So what do we do here?
- a) – Improve the existing environment. Just before we say goodbye to our boss, friends, or spouse, it is possible that if we share our feelings with them, they will change their behavior. They may not be aware of the way they are hurting you, so it is important to share.
- b) – Change your environment, look for a new one. It may be time to separate from that person who is hurting you. Because once you change your environment, you allow yourself to look at life in a new way and allow yourself to bring new people into your life; perhaps those who will do us better and in so doing we are on course to improving our self-confidence.
Read also: How to Overcome Self-doubt and Build Confidence
